


Balance

by MirrorWater



Category: Sherlock Holmes (2009) RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-29
Updated: 2011-10-29
Packaged: 2017-10-25 01:30:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/270226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MirrorWater/pseuds/MirrorWater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A day in which feelings are hidden, squashed and then finally realised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balance

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the filming of the first Sherlock Holmes film.  
> Warning: lots of fluff :)

Fuck. Stop thinking about him you utter idiot.  
For roughly the fiftieth time, in the last half hour that Jude had been trying to memorise his lines for the scene that was coming up next that day, his thoughts were interrupted by none other than his sly, sarcastic, silly and absolutely splendid co-star, Robert Downey Jr. The deep, rich sound of his laugh, that devilish grin, his taught… Fucking stop!  
Jude groaned inwardly rubbing a hand tiredly over his face. This was going to be a long day; he could already feel it in his weary bones that were chilled to the core on this frigid winter morning. The coldest day in twenty years according to the radio that was sitting beside him in the set lounge. He had barely slept last night due to the dull ache in his chest that he knew was only partly due to the cold he could feel coming on. The ever present ache that came with every thrill that he received from Robert’s smile, touch and glance. Knowing that he would never have those feelings returned. Knowing that he stood no chance against the vibrant and impossibly beautiful woman that Susan was and seeing how devastatingly in love they were with one another. It felt as if his heart had been stitched together so many times, and then pulled apart again that it was now only holding on by a thread so small that only a little tug would break it. And he knew! Jude swore he knew. He must know the effect he was having. He must.  
“So… What do you think?”  
Robert’s singsong voice cut through Jude’s muddled daze of obscure thought and he lifted his head from the script he was pretending to read. “Think of what?”  
Jude looked over Robert, noting his raised eyebrow and cheeky expression. He took in his well-tailored pants and he embarrassingly couldn’t help but notice how they clung to his upper thigh and the beginning of his arse before a long grey blazer annoyingly cut off the view… “Hang on! Is that my blazer?”  
“Doesn’t it look great?”  
Jude snorted, taking a jab “Well as a dress it is quite flattering” he grinned devilishly. Robert huffed childishly and flung himself down on the couch next to Jude.  
“I’m not short! I’m fun sized!” he grinned over at Jude, again raising an eyebrow roguishly. Jude coughed, clearing his throat and tightened his scarf around his neck uncomfortably. He knew if he thought too much into what Robert had just said he would end up in a bit of an awkward situation.  
“You look like shit,” Robert stated taking Jude’s face in his hands and running a thumb along the dark circle under his eye “you stay out at that club all night?”  
“No. Think I’m just coming down with something” God, why was it today his body decided to act like a twelve year old. He knew if something didn’t change soon he was going to have to make a fast exit.  
“Oh, that’s too bad. So drinks tonight after we’re done here?”  
“Sure” Jude replied, glad that the subject had moved away from him so he could possibly gain control of himself.  
“Hey give me a look at that script” Robert reached across Jude’s lap, grazing Jude’s crotch lightly, as he reached for today’s scene.  
Oh god. Jude jumped up, hoping that the growing bulge in his trousers wasn’t too obvious yet. He felt a faint flush of embarrassment creep into his cheeks.  
“I…I… um have to go to makeup.” He stuttered lamely.  
“Sure. I can’t imagine they’ll be too happy though, you’re not looking so hot.”  
“Yeah… Um… Bye.” Jude all but ran from the room in search of a bathroom. Maybe it was just part of his imagination but he was sure he heard Robert’s gentle laugh follow him out the door.

The morning takes had gone nicely. They had been shooting part of the scene where Holmes, Watson and Mary have dinner together and they would resume shooting after lunch with most of the dialogue to come. Jude’s previous feeling of a hovering cold had come down in full force. His eyes now felt like sandpaper as did his throat and chest. The cough was pure agony and he felt that his voice was starting to resemble that of Golum.  
“Heeeeey Jude” Robert sung the opening line of The Beatles song while plonking himself next to Jude at a table, him chewing on a sandwich while Jude just looked at his with a vaguely nauseated expression.  
“Very original” Jude laughed, which he quickly regretted when it turned into a harsh cough. Robert patted him gently on the back until the coughing subsided and handed him his glass of water.  
“That doesn’t sound too great” Robert spoke gently.  
“Just a bit of a tired voice” Jude cringed at how crackly his voice sounded and he cleared his throat repeatedly to try and make it sound normal.  
Robert raised an eyebrow sceptically “Whatever you say, but I know Guy would want you to have this” he slipped a soother into his hand before standing, ruffling Jude’s hair gently and leaving to get his makeup fixed.  
Jude sighed. What that man did to him. He smiled as he placed the soother in his mouth before leaving for hair and makeup.

By now the whole cast and crew was aware that he was struggling. He was trying to hold his coughing back to just between takes but now some were starting to slip through, ruining takes. Jude was embarrassed when crew members were actually assigned to keeping his coughing at bay, handing him constant cups of lemon teas, lozenges and throat spray. None of it was having much effect however and when Guy called cut (after Jude spent a whole piece of dialogue shaking, trying to suppress his cough, and Guy said they couldn’t have a Watson with Parkinson’s) they decided to call it a day.  
Robert and Jude sat side by side as they got their makeup removed.  
“Sorry, I’m going to have to take a rain check on drinks tonight. I got a text from Susan. She’s finally got a night free.” Robert looked apologetically at Jude.  
“Hey no problem. That’s great, I’m sure she can’t wait to see you.” Jude forced a smile.  
“Yeah, I really do miss her on long jobs like this.” He smiled and stood. “Well I’m off. You go home and sleep this thing you’ve got off. I want to see you well tomorrow.”  
Jude smiled half-heartedly “Sure, sure, it’s just a small cold. You have a nice night.”  
“You too. By the way, do you mind if I take this jacket?” Robert grinned cheekily as he pulled Jude’s big coat from a hook by the door.  
Jude sighed but couldn’t help but grin back “sure”.  
With a final smile and a heart breaking rub of Jude’s shoulder Robert left.

Jude dressed quickly in is jeans and buttoned his white shirt, trying to hold back his worsening coughs that were now sitting deep in his aching chest. He realised that Robert had taken his only jackets, his grey blazer in the morning and now his coat so he would have to go with out. He couldn’t blame Robert. He had asked if he minded after all.  
He had rented a flat only a ten-minute walk away from the main studio and as he walked outside he realised that it was already nine o’clock and had been dark for hours. He trudged home. He imagined what Robert would be doing now with the beautiful Susan. Her hands would be twisted in his hair, their soft lips joined; him stroking her breasts and she would be stroking his… Stop!  
He sighed deeply, which led to another coughing fit. This time he couldn’t seem to stop and he ended up leaning against the alley wall for support. The coughs were rattling from deep within his chest and he now knew that this was not “just a small cold” as he was finally able to suppress the coughs, doubled over wheezing with the effort. He continued his walk home, trying to muffle the sounds of his hacking in his fist. He walked up the stairwell of the apartment building, the pounding echo of his footsteps reverberating through his head turning his mild headache into a pulsing migraine. He finally reached his door. All he could think about was a warm cup of tea and his waiting bed. He searched through his pockets of his jeans for his key and couldn’t find it and then through his bag also without luck. He realised with a wave of despair that his key was sitting in the pocket of the very coat that Robert had nicked from him. His migraine increased tenfold as he sunk to the ground in the stairwell, nausea churning, and buried his face in his hands. He could call Robert. Robert would come and let him in, he was sure of it, but could he survive that call. What would be left of his heart when he heard Robert answer breathlessly, and to hear Susan moan his name in ecstasy or to hear the sleep rough voice of Robert’s as he answered the phone, Susan’s gentle murmur close by whispering “what’s wrong sweetheart?”. He couldn’t bare it. They were so perfect. Made for each other and so in love that going too close was like being burned by the brightness of it all. Jude felt like he was in an inferno. In fact he felt too hot now, he could feel the warm lick of sweat trailing down his forehead and into his eyes. So much sweat making his vision blurr. Or were they tears? He really couldn’t tell. Everything was like melting wax, his lungs felt like they were full of it with each burning sluggish breath. He was so tired. He couldn’t help it when his eyes finally closed and drifted into a discontented sleep.

“Jude!”  
He could distantly hear a concerned voice shouting and a strange growling moan sound.  
“Fuck. Wake up Jude!”  
Robert. He realised it was Robert and he finally surfaced into consciousness, slowly opening his eyes and then shutting them again when the light made the world spin nauseously around him. He realised the growly sound was the sound of his own lungs breathing in and out and he looked up into the partially relieved partially concerned face above him.  
“Robert” he broke off coughing roughly.  
“What are you doing out here, you idiot. You should have called me when you realised I had your key.”  
“I couldn’t. How did you know?”  
“Well I found your key in the coat pocket and then when I called you at home you didn’t pick up. You looked pretty rough when I left…”he broke off looking worriedly at Jude “come on, lets get you inside.”  
He unlocked the door and wrapped an arm around Jude’s waist, helping him up and into the flat. He started flicking on the lights.  
“No! Please no lights.” Jude closed his eyes against the harsh lights.  
“Shhh buddy. Ok I’ll turn off the lights. It’s okay.”  
“I’m sick. I’m not a fucking baby” he hadn’t meant it to come out so snappily, but luckily he heard Robert chuckle before sobering.  
“I’m sorry” Jude whispered softly as Robert helped him over to the lounge. He collapsed upon it coughing incessantly. Robert rubbed him gently on his back until his coughing eased.  
He lay a hand on Jude’s forehead “You have a fever” he simply stated as Jude burst into a new round of coughing. This time, Roberts gentle back rubs did not help and Jude was doubled over, wheezing for air between coughs. Robert ran and got him a glass of water.  
“Breath Jude” he instructed while giving him small sips of water “deep breaths”.  
Finally Jude managed to suppress the coughs but they left his chest tight and Robert could hear an audible crackle every time he breathed.  
“Shit, I’m going to call Susan. She’ll know what to do, I’ve always been hopeless at this stuff” stroked Jude’s cheek softly while he leaned back wearily on the lounge.  
“It’s ok” he croaked “don’t bother Susan. I’ll be fine. I’ll just get into bed-”  
“And choke to death” Robert cut him off “You can barely breath and until we can take you to the doctor in the morning, I think Susan should come help us out.”

“Shit. Bring him into the bathroom” Susan’s voice echoed around Jude’s apartment as she let herself in and listened to the sound of Jude’s breathing.  
Robert helped a stumbling and extremely embarrassed Jude into the bathroom, and Susan turned the shower on full heat and shut the door. The room began to fill with steam. Susan stroked Jude’s face “Breathe sweetheart. I know it hurts but breath deep.”  
Jude did as he was told, wincing as he sucked greedily at the warm air. Slowly the iron bands gripping his lungs loosened, finally bringing relief and exhaustion. The grey haze of midnight crowded in, blotting out the light from above: Susan’s worried and caring face and Robert’s concerned creasing brow, slick with perspiration, and full lush lips curled into a frown that did not suit his handsome face, disappearing into the shadow of reality as Jude sunk into the world of dream.

Jude woke blearily, the soft violet shells of his eyelids pealing back slowly - vivid aquamarine irises peaking through into consciousness. The room was awash with the couple-colour of rich gold, azure and charcoal; the day a mixture of lustre and ink with flecks of rain thrumming at the windows - the sun’s golden strands of hair penetrated through the fat, dewy drops. He still felt the ache in his chest, but it was now much gentler than it had been before and he could no longer hear the congestion in his breath. He realised that he was on his bed and figured, with embarrassment, that Robert and Susan must have moved him during the night. He slowly dragged himself out of bed and to his feet, starting towards the kitchen.  
“Robert, I understand”  
“But I can’t do this”  
“Sweetheart, you’re in love with him. I can see it.”  
“I love you”  
“I know you do, but I also know that you love him”  
Jude felt a flush creep over his face but also a breath of hope enter his heart as he overheard Robert and Susan’s conversation.  
He heard Robert sigh, “How can we work this out…”  
“It’s really quite simple. We agree to an open marriage, as long as we tell each other what’s going on. I love you Robert and I know we can’t live without one another, but I also know how you can’t live without him. The way you look at him, the way you talk about him…”  
Jude suddenly felt a desperate itch in his chest. He rubbed it roughly leaning against the couch, but couldn’t hold back the coughing fit. He was overwhelmed by deep rattling coughs, the congestion once more returning. He heard Robert and Susan quickly entering the room as he doubled over unable to gain control. He was breathing shallower and shallower, unable to get a full breath and began wheezing frantically between coughs.  
“Shhhh sweetheart, breathe deeply. Come on now, copy my breaths” Robert gently rubbed Jude’s back and shoulders, while Susan rubbed his arm until the coughs finally subsided.  
“What are you doing out of bed?” Robert sighed as he eased Jude back onto the couch.  
“Was just listening to you talk…” Jude was already half asleep, exhausted but looking relaxed and finally comfortable.  
Robert looked down at Jude’s angled cheekbones and lilac eyelids before moving his gaze upward, lingering over Susan’s smooth collarbones and full red mouth. He rested a hand on Jude’s sleeping shoulder, Susan placing a hand on top of his. Robert leant down, kissing Jude’s temple before pressing his lips to Susan’s hand.  
The worst was over.  
For all.


End file.
